Life is good. I’ve been really happy in this season, not only because of circumstances, but also because I’ve been consciously choosing it.
Recently though, I had a couple of days where it felt anything but good. It was as if someone called “olly olly oxen free!” and alllll the sadness and nastiness came rushing out.
It felt like a thief in the night stole my joy and try as I might I was having trouble “choosing” it back. I felt shocked, betrayed and raw. Who was this person? And despite knowing that self love was what I needed. I did not love her.
After a period of resisting, I finally gave in to acceptance.
Depression and anxiety are not complete strangers to me. But somehow, in the midst of this fire hose of emotion there was a teeny tiny sliver of calm, a calm that I had been practicing. It was a space where I was able to acknowledge that even though the emotions may feel the same as they had in the past (read: terrible), my response to them did not need to be the same.
And so, I flowed a new way.
I did not force myself to do anything, including “get better.” I didn’t try and reason with my fears or my sadness in my journals. If something came up that I wanted to explore, I made a note in my phone and moved on. I slept, took baths, read a novel, watched movies. I tried my best to appreciate the patience of my husband and space that he gave me. I reached out.
The absolute insane thing about these experiences is that you can go from feeling surrounded by love to utterly alone in no time. It doesn’t matter how many people are around. Again, in that still small space of calm, I knew that I wasn’t alone. So I decided to take action on that knowing.
This year I’ve also been practicing being a better receiver. I wouldn’t think twice about sending nothing but big, encouraging, compassionate love back to anyone who I loved that reached out to me from this place. Why should I deny them that chance to do the same for me? Why shouldn’t I open up to receive it myself?
I decided to identify a few people who, lately, I’ve been showing up to in all my glory. People, who when I talk to them, I do not dim my light. I show up in my full brilliance. And baby, I am unafraid to proclaim that it is bright!
My intention was not to weave a story around the sadness, because words are powerful, and I believe that with the force of our intention and feeling behind them, they create our reality. I simply sent a message that effectively said:
I am having a tough couple of days. After flowing along with such peace, I seemed to have stumbled upon a pocket of sadness and I’m feeling extremely heavy right now. I know that it won’t last. I also know that this is an opportunity for even greater light to break through in my life. But for now, can you please send me light? Can you please hold me in a higher vibration? Raise me up to a higher frequency?
These beautiful people did not rush in to “fix me.” That’s not their job. Frankly, that’s not my job either because there’s nothing that needs to be “fixed.” What they did do is put one gentle hand on my shoulder and used the other to hold up a mirror, reflecting back my own light.
They sent messages saying “I’m thinking of you” and asked me to send smoke signals to say “I’m here.” (Funny enough the emoji for “smoke” is the same as if you type the word “fart.” Soooo, I’m here, and possibly gassy?) Did I mention that humor helps?
Not only did I bounce back to my joy quicker, but I came back stronger, unencumbered by the burden of guilt or shame for the experience. Lighter and proud of myself for being gentle. Appreciative for the support in my life and for being able to show up honestly in the world. Ready to share more of what I have to give.
It’s ok to not be ok.
Share with someone who needs to hear this. Thanks for being here.
turn on a light
an original song
Tell me where I go from here.
Please tell me where to go.
A place that
I’m not lost and disconnected.
Yet feeling all alone
That the darkness won’t last
That the morning follows the night.
So this time instead of trying to fight back
I’m going to turn on a light.
See what I find inside.
Read the post with…
A musical pairing || “Heavy” by Birdtalker. You can find it on Spotify or Youtube.
The last couple of weeks it’s been on repeat for me. Not only do I love the lyrics and the sound, but I also love that it reminds me of the power of art to say important things and move people to make changes in their lives for the better…like leaving what’s heavy behind.